The 6 Essential Rules Of Adultfrienedfinder App Dating For Men The guide to success in dating, relationships and everything in between.
Welcome to Adultfrienedfinder by me, Anna D. Crespo.
here are many dating and matchmaking services. I can speak only with experience about the ones I used. You might want to try these to get started, but investigate some of the other ones too. You might find one that is more appealing to you or more specific to your particular needs.
While many of the dating services are similar, they have differences in price, rules and nature of information provided, so read over carefully to ascertain what is involved with each. The easiest way to do that is to just poke each dating service. You may be able to preview limited information, or in some cases place a free ad, but normally can’t get mail or send any until you join up.
Matchmaking policy is designed to protect your anonymity. When registering, you select a name and are also assigned a number. (Write it down someplace handy so you won't forget it.) You could use your own first name, but it is better to develop a made up name such as: “Waiting4U”, “Sunny” or some other invention. The service affixes a number to that and you become “Sunny436”.
Using a pseudonym helps protect your identity. When developing a pseudonym, select something that uses the advertising space well and that will attract positive reaction.
An alias can also help protect your privacy, particularly if your name is not common. For example, if your name were Stella, you lived in York, PA and had a listed phone number, all a man would have to do would be to do a reverse directory search for “Stella” in York (and there might only be three) to find a few addresses, so be careful.
Similarly, if Sue said she was an elementary school teacher in Waterville, and their was only one elementary school in the town, all a man would have to do is to talk to someone who knew something about the school and ask if they knew any “Sue”. If you were the only Sue there, you would have been “found out” and also your anonymity could be uncovered and you might prefer that co-workers didn’t know you had gone on the Internet. So if you mention what your occupation is, omit the name of the organization. It can make you too easy to locate.
Once you post your statement and photo, you would be contacted by interested men through your assigned “mailbox”. Your name, personal e-mail address, street address and telephone number would not be revealed by the dating service. That information could only be provided by your furnishing it directly. Be careful about giving out your own e-mail address and other personal information until you’re fairly sure that it is someone you want to communicate with.
Finding The Right Man
Honesty and Truthfulness
This should be at the top of the list. If a man doesn't have this, the rest of it doesn't matter much. Love can't survive without trust. You need someone who you can rely on always to tell you the truth. Otherwise how do you know when it is the truth and when it isn't? This is the foundation that relationships are built on. By the same token, you should be invariably honest with the man you have the interest in. He deserves the same degree of assurance that you want.
For the reasons just mentioned, and also to determine the quality of communication you’re going to have in the relationship, openness is something you need to look for. You shouldn’t have to pull things out of a man regularly. There would very likely be other things there that you weren’t successful in pulling out. If you feel you’re getting frequent resistance to efforts to learn what you’d like to know about someone, find someone else you can have a full degree of trust in. The ability to communicate well and easily is elemental to a successful relationship. If the communication doesn't flow easily, he's probably not the one for you.
When you are together do you genuinely enjoy each other's company and have fun together? Can you spend a lot of time together -- effortlessly? Does it all seem very natural? This is the way things should be.
If you are on edge and uncomfortable most of the time, something is making you that way. A little bit of nervousness and trying to get a sense of each other early on is not unusual, but with time you should be relaxed with the whole thing. If you are not, try to identify why and talk about it. If it can't be resolved, you probably haven't found the right man yet.
Any type of aggressive behavior, including someone's being blantantly sexual early on when you aren't in agreement, someone who is rude to you or others, or someone who is restrictive and controlling: "I don't want you doing that", is good cause not to keep seeing someone any more, particularly after you have made it clear that you didn't like it.
Interests, Attitudes and Aspirations
Explore his interests and what he is looking for. Try to see if you seem to be on the same page not only on interests, but about general attitudes and the future. You need not agree on “everything”. What you’re looking for are “deal breakers”, e.g., you’re looking for someone to spend a substantial amount of time with and he tells you he plays golf everyday. You want to spend more time traveling. He doesn’t like to travel at all. He’s a bigot and you take people how you find them and treat them equally, irrespective of race, religion or ethnic background.
Commitment and Companionship
Does his commitment seem real and deep? How is he as a companion? Do you have fun together and really enjoy each other's company, even when you are not "doing anything"? Love alone isn't enough. A study indicated that commitment to one another and companionship were the two most important characteristics found in lasting relationships.
Consideration and Kindness
Notice whether he seems to be trying to please you or himself. Look for kindness. When the opportunities present themselves,watch how he treats or refers to others: his former spouse(s), your children and family, his family members, store clerks, waiters and waitresses and others he encounters. If he treats or talks about them like dirt, somewhere down the line when the heat dies down, you will be likely to get the same treatment. Avoid trouble. Leave now. You want “what you see is what you get”, not an actor playing a role.
Recognizing Your True Love
John Gray in his best selling book “Mars and Venus On A Date” indicates that there are five stages of dating:
Dr. Gray, the author of many other best selling books on relationships, emphasizes the importance of passing through all five dating stages, and not skipping any. He says that by moving through them properly you will “just know” when someone seems right for you, and also “just know” when they aren’t. He provides detailed information on how each dating stage should work and identifies the difference between men and women and how they function in relationships. He defines a soulmate as “someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. We are not just physically turned on to them; our soul gets turned on as well.”
We have often heard that there needs to be “chemistry” between two people if they are going to move forward and become soulmates. Dr. Gray says that there is not just one kind of chemistry that needs to be present with dating partners, but four:
-Physical chemistry (Generates desire)
-Emotional chemistry (Generates affection)
-Mental chemistry (Generates interest)
-Spiritual chemistry (Creates love)
These are useful guides to keep in mind as you are dating new men and work toward determining if a man is “the one” for you.
Your Home and His
A home is a great reflection of a woman whether it is her house, condo, apartment or mobile home. It shows her interests, her taste and her housekeeping, property maintenance, homemaking skills and general neatness, whether she does it herself or pays someone else to. A cluttered and less than clean home can be a real turnoff. A disorderly and crummy car interior is a similar reflection.
Make sure your home and your car are neat and immaculately clean. Do not let them turn somebody off. A man would reason that if a woman has an interest in him and is trying to create a pleasant experience for him, and that this is the best her home can look now, it isn’t going to look any better if they’re together in it later. I'm not talking about the size or style of a home here. Anyone with a modest home up to a mansion can keep it neat and clean.
This works the other way too. If a guy's home is sloppy and unclean, he may very well not be the one who’s going to do his part in keeping your shared residence the way you would want to. You don't want to spend half your time picking up after someone else and cleaning up their messes. Such behavior shows lack of consideration for a mate, as well as being generally annoying, and a source for future contention.
Your home is a reflection of you. Making it as inviting as possible is very desirable to a man. It gives him an idea of what “home” would be like with you. Whether it is cute and country, sophisticated or rustic, let it reflect the best of you.
Broadening Your Dating Parameters?
If you have been looking for a while and haven’t found the love you want, you might want to broaden your sights a bit. In the process of writing this, I re-examined two locations I used a few years ago. I recognized a number of the same women. While there could be several explanations for that, I suspect that at least some of them might be because they still haven’t found anyone yet. This shouldn’t be a career effort. Do the job right, find the man you want and get on with your happiness and your life. While the very number of people available can be somewhat exciting and stimulating for a while, after a while it can get old, so work hard at finding what you want as soon as you reasonably can, then move on with better living.
On the point of being at it too long, one should ask if it is better to continue being too selective or being lonely. It might be time to re-think things up a bit and consider making some changes in your "requirements". I have heard women comment about other women friends they know saying that they haven’t found anybody yet because “they’re too picky”. The end result can mean either being permanently lonely or finding satisfaction in a more solitary life.
Some women may be unrealistic in their aspirations. Others may not be properly assessing the kind of man who could make them happy. A number of ads I saw stressed the importance of how good looking or tall the man had to be. Everybody has his/her own range of acceptability and that’s understandable, but is someone’s “drop dead gorgeous” appearance or height more important than his character and how he treats his partner? To read some of the emphatic requirements of some women in this regard, you’d think so. Focus on what is real and lasting, not something transitory.
“Financially secure” is another often cited characteristic. All things being equal, it is certainly far preferable to have a love who is. If you are getting a good number of responses with this qualification in there, then it clearly isn’t limiting you very much and you should keep it as a goal.
There are a number of good men who might make loving partners who aren’t in that situation, but could make you very happy nonetheless. The problem is that a number of divorced men who are still paying alimony and child support may be the same decent people they always were, but their income has been substantially reduced by the need to make such payments. Naturally, you do not want to start a relationship with a deadbeat and a taker.
Women with resources additionally need to be careful of scammers who prey on women. Protect your resources. You need them for your security and independence. What I’m suggesting is that if you know a man is doing the best he can financially to make a contribution to the relationship, and is contributing to it in other ways, you might find a man you love and who really loves you, who you might be ruling out otherwise. Naturally, a woman should make whatever choice with respect to financial stability she feels is in her overall, long term best interest.
Dealing With Hurt
Hurt is difficult to deal with. The best way to deal with it is to get back out there as soon as you can, consistent with making good sense. The fastest way to forget “him” is to start seeing some nice gentlemen, enjoying things again and finding another “him.” Do not let an unrealistic focus on someone paralyze you. No one is worth that. Some women torture themselves for years over a past hurt or over not being able to have who they want. You know the line about dreams. Be careful. They might come true.
Be careful what you wish for so ardently. Have a real life instead. If you are coming from a hurtful situation, just gently tell the men you meet, as one lady did to me, that you have come off of a difficult relationship, and you need to take things slowly. If he is a good man, he will understand.
Death of A Partner
There is a different kind of hurt when someone loses their love to death. Sometimes it is sudden, which is hard to deal with emotionally, and sometimes financially. Other times it can be the result of a long illness, which can be very draining emotionally and physically. While the love who has died may be sorely missed, the very practical problem the survivor can face is loneliness. Some women cope with this by spending more time with their family and friends and taking up new interests. For some women that is enough. New relationships aren’t for everyone.
I had a wonderful and cheerful aunt who was widowed for many years. She never remarried, although I'm sure she could have easily. She always seemed very content with her situation and enjoyed spending a great deal of time with her children and grandchildren. For other women though, they have a loneliness that they realize only having another love and companion can satisfy. There's a difference in being content and "contenting yourself". If what you really want is love, be open to possibilities and do something about it, and be as content with your current situation as you can be in the meantime, by actively trying to fill it with things that interest you.
Sometimes there may be a wave of “guilt” because of needing love again. There shouldn’t be any. Your deceased spouse had all the time allotted to him. Hopefully, it was a good one you shared together. Keep those good memories in that special place in your heart no one can touch. (Any caring new love will be respectful enough to help you honor that.) But if your husband was truly in love with you, and sees you aching in loneliness, it is hard to imagine that a truly loving and unselfish husband wouldn’t want you to be happy again. If you’re thinking “You didn’t know my _______. He’d never want me with anybody else. Ever.” If that’s the case, he’d be being pretty unfair to you and pretty selfish. He is gone and you are still here and need to have a life. And deserve to have one. Value the love you had. Remember the good times always. Then get on with your valuable time, and make love part of it again. You are worth it and you deserve it. Go for it.
Some women might say “I could never get married or have a relationship again. There will never be another love like John.” That’s true. There won’t be. He was an original. We all are. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t find a different kind of love with another fine man, who has equally praiseworthy characteristics of his own, that you could build satisfying tomorrows with.
If you are widowed and lonely, I sincerely hope you will give love together with someone else a chance. If you meet the right person, he will make it easier for you to do. You may both have memories, good and not so good of the past, but together you can build a future of love and caring together. Do not feel as if you are abandoning your former time and its memories, you’re just adjusting to an uncontrollable changing situation and building a new life for yourself.
And do not worry about what other people think. Sometimes children and friends are aggrieved when a widow decides to date again. They do not have the same perspective you have because of age, or because they haven’t been through the experience you’ve been through. While they are well meaning most of the time, they are also not the ones who have to take walks alone, eat alone, spend evenings alone or go to bed without the warmth and comfort of their love next to them. Do what your heart tells you. You can be happy again. When you are, you will wonder why you didn’t act sooner. Love and romance are there for the taking. Isn't now the time?
The Right Man Will Be Patient
Any gentleman who has a sincere interest in you will take the time to get to know you better and be respectful of your heart in the meantime, regardless of the cause of your hurt. He’ll also want you to heal, and will help you to do it, by talking things out with you when you want to. Naturally, the time frame has to be kept within reason. He wants to live too and doesn't want to put things on hold indefinitely. In the end, if he is the right one, it may make you love him all the more because he was kind and considerate to you when you really needed it. You will probably have the opportunity to return the favor somewhere down the road. Be there for each other.
Dr.John Gottmann and The Gottmann Institute
Dr. John Gottmann is a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington and the founder of The Gottmann Institute. He is a world renowned expert on marital stability and divorce prediction. He has published over 35 books and over 100 articles. He developed a system that is highly predictive of who will stay married and who will get divorced, by having couples monitored during conversations to observe possible telltale signs of marriage success or failure.
A report on a NBC Nightly News interview with Dr.Gottmann mentioned four things to watch out for:
- Someone who is always criticizing a partner
- Showng contempt or disgust for a partner and adopting an attitude that one is superior and the other is inferior
- Regularly being defensive with a partner
- Stonewalling: not caring about and devaluing what a partner says or thinks
If you see any of these danger signs in your relationship,they bear further investigation and professional assistance before you decide to move forward with a prospective spouse or partner. Prospective partners can go through an evaluation at The Gottmann Institute. A self-administered quiz is also available.
There are many references on the Internet which can be found providing more information about Dr. Gottmann and The Gottmann Institute. A Google,Yahoo or MSN search will provide them quickly. Dr. Gottman has also published The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work which would be a highly worthwhile and interesting book to read. Use any such tools available to you. You want to have the good, loving relationship you deserve. Don't be a statistic when there is reliable and experienced help available to guide you in your decision making.
Sign up now so you don’t miss the first issue.
In the meantime, tell your friends!